A long overdue letter to my son with autism

This blog post was written by Kathy Hooven, mother to a son with autism. You can read more about Kathy and her family on her blog, The AWEnesty of Autism. 

Dear Ryan,

This letter has been a long time coming. It is way overdue. And even though you may not think it's necessary and it's filled with Mommy's typical "gibberish" you find so annoying, I needed to write it. For you. For me.

Although I may fill this page with too many words that will make your "head hurt", there are only six words that you need to tuck into a file in your brain where your heart can always retrieve them:

I am sorry.

I love you.

I am sorry for all the times I got it wrong. There were so many, many times.

The times I tried to force eye contact by gently turning your head and saying "Look at Mommy". The times I insisted you wear clothes that you hated for family photos, special occasions, etc. because I thought you were being "stubborn". The times I tried so hard to help you conform, to help you be like "the rest of the kids" when it was me wanting to be like "the rest of the moms".

I am sorry. 

We are very different, you and me, and that is not a bad thing at all, it just means what works for me may not work for you and it took a long time for mommy to figure that out. In fact, some days I still get it wrong. I am sorry for the times that I get it wrong, for the times that I get you wrong.

I am sorry for the times I pushed too hard, too far. For the times I pushed you before you were ready, before it was your time. Yes, watching you struggle to keep up with your peers was hard, so sometimes I pushed you as much for you as I did for me. I am sorry.

I am sorry for the times I didn't push enough. The times I thought it would be too hard for you so I let you slide. The world won't let you slide so by making excuses, by letting it go, I did you a disservice.

I am sorry for the times I thought I got it right. The times I thought I understood your overloaded sensory system and tried to help but only made things worse. The times I thought you preferred to be alone and believed that your loneliness was somehow different than those without autism. The times I thought I finally got it, but, still had so much to learn.

I am sorry for the times I lost my patience, yelled, swore and cried when I could not reach you. I know you were trying to let me in, but didn't know how. I am sorry that I tried to break down the door when you were working so hard on the other side to gently open it.

I am sorry.

It may be difficult for you to understand, but, through all my mistakes, through all my successes, through all the highs and lows, I did it all because I love you.

I love you for working so hard and never giving up.

I love you for never judging those who judge you.

I love you for always, without fail, being YOU.

I love you for helping me see the way you view the world and for not giving up on me for my lack of understanding.

I love you for loving me in your perfectly beautiful way. No one will ever love me like you.

I love you for forgiving me even when I didn't deserve your forgiveness.

I love you for accepting me just as I am, flawed, silly, confusing and "horribly annoying".

I love you for so many reasons Ryan, but, the one that matters most to me, the one that will always supercede the rest, I love you for letting me love you.

Just six words:

I am sorry.

I love you.

Mom